The World as They Found it: THE BELOIT LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2030
by Tom McBride •The World as They Found It:
THE BELOIT LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2030
Based on an Original Concept by Rona;ld Paul Nief
This class was born in 2008 and will graduate in 2030. They enter college this fall. Here is the world as they have found it: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the quirky,
1 Paul Newman, Ertha Kitt, Bo Diddly, and Heath Ledger have always been dead.
2 Barack Obama’s unofficial first name has always been President.
3 Someone has always been singing “Bomb, bomb Iran” to the tune of “Barbara Ann.”
3 The first president they remember well is Donald Trump.
5 Slumdogs have always aspired to be Millionaires.
6 Walter White has always been breaking very, very badly.
7 Randy Paausch has always been giving his Last Lecture.
8 A Dark Knight has always been trying to prevent Gotham from descending into a dark night due to the sinister machinations of a Joker.
9. A teen in Forks, Washington has always been in love with a vampire, from Twilight to Breaking Dawn.
10 The Lehman Brothers have always been no more.
11. “Too big to fail” has always rivaled “destroying the village in order to save it” as nonsensical American wisdom.
12 They spent most of their fifth and sixth grade years on a screen and wore masks when they finally returned to school.
13 A woman has always run for vice-president as a Republican, to the amusement of Tina Fey.
14 China has always hosted a massive earthquake and the summer Olympics just months apart.
15, Michael Phelps in Beijing and sub-atomic particles in Geneva have always broken speed records.
16 Grand Theft Auto has always been a game more than a crime.
17, There has always been an Android for your pocket or purse.
18 You’ve always been able to shop at an Apple app store.
19 Katy Perry has always sung about kissing a girl.
20 DNA testing has always been retail.
21 The internet has always been able to exchange information without any human involvement.
22. Alas, the Greatest thing in their lifetimes has likely been a Recession.
23 Stonehenge has always been 500 years older than previously thought.
24 Russia has always been hostile and nervous about so-called “break-way nations” like Kosovo and Georgia.
25 Australia has always issued a formal apology to the “Stolen Generation” of Aboriginal children.
26 To the delight of investors and the despair of environmentalists, melting ice caps have always made the Northwest Passage passable at last.
27. An American Treasury Secretary has always gotten on his knees to beg a female Speaker of the House to pass a financial salvation bill.
28. Britney has always been struggling, publicly,
29 A super collider has always been functioning and so far, has not destroyed the planet, as far as we can tell.
30 OJ Simpson has always been a convicted felon.
31 Courtesy of a massive fire at Universal Studios, the iconic King Kong and Back to the Future backlots have always been in cinders.
32 A dollar on the day they were born is worth 64 cents today.
33 Oxford University has always deemed “fairy unique” and “I personally” as the most loathed phrases in the English language.
34 If they’d only been born eighteen years earlier, they could have gone to college for about 25 percent cheaper tuition than they will be paying in about six weeks.
35 Gossip Girl has always had a big impact on fashion trends such as high-end runway styles, statement headbands, and lingerie outerwear.
36 Some cement has always been able to eat smog.
37 Some contact lenses have always been bionic.
38 Governor Mike Huckabee has always announced he was doing the right thing by pulling attack ads and then showing the assembled media the attack ads he was cancelling.
39 Tea for Two: When they were two-year-old toddlers there was a Tea Party 2.0.
40 The number one word of the year when they were born was “bailout.”
41 The New England Patriots have never been Giant killers when it counted.
42 Wimbledon has never seen anything quite as epic or dramatic as Nadal v. Federer.
43. A bum knee could not stop a Tiger at the 19th hole.
44. Yankee Stadium has always been Old.
45. Tampa Bay has always had true baseball contenders.
46. There’s always been Instant replay—in baseball.
47 Joe Biden has always averred that Rudy Guiliani has a noun, a verb, and 9/11.
48. Between diaper changes, their parents were either going to the mailbox to find DVDs or “streaming” them, for the first time, on their computers (as an “add-on” service from Netflix).
49. While they were squalling and mewling in their cribs, their parents could still read the New York Times online for free—an unlimited number of stories.
50. Kindle has never been just a verb about starting fires.
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